Fallen Angel

As you may or may not have noticed by now, I typically prefer to write poetic-like entries with fancy imagery and tantalizing word choice (even if I'm not very good at it). I'd like to do that right now, as a matter of fact, but I'm afraid I just don't have it in me. I'm shocked and appalled and a little nauseous. I've hit rock bottom and have subsequently lost all literary ability. I just can't do dramatic angst right now so I'll just cut to the rant.

I was fired today.

Fired.

...

ME, of ALL people?! I worked a thousand fucking times harder than any other employee there, came in on my days off to cover open shifts, pulled more than one 17 hour shift during a critical emergency, revamped the entire filing system, fixed the computer system on more than one occasion, worked my fucking heart and soul out to the point of incoherent exhaustion all for $12.50 an hour and 36 hours a week, was one of only two certified technicians, and they fire ME??!! *Shrieks madly*

...

*ahem* Sorry folks, just had to get that off my chest. I've actually been very mature about the entire ordeal and walked out of there with my head held high and a smile (or more like grimace) on my face. But just under the calm surface, I am one pissed off mother fucker. But I'm getting over it already. I didn't feel comfortable working for such morally corrupt and ethically apathetic people anyway.

Ya know, I've never really been jobless. I did have a few months between my last job and this job but at that time I was getting loan money so I still had a steady income. Not anymore though. They gave me my last paycheck today which will cover my car payment and most of my phone bill but nothing else. Now begins the process of cutting costs and getting by with the bare minimum. This means canceling my massage membership, my eHarmony membership, my Ancestry.com membership, and if at all possible, my gym membership (but Lord knows I've already tried that several times). Furthermore, I have to get in touch with Aflac and deal with them since they can't take payments from my paycheck anymore. I might need to find an alternative to my medications since I no longer have health insurance to cover the ridiculous costs. If I can't get a job within a reasonable time I'll have to defer my student loan payments and forget about going to the anime convention. So much for saving up for a new computer or a house, looks like I'll be living with my parents until I'm 30.

Just the thought of having to find a new job and start working at a completely new and different place just when I was finally getting comfortable with this job is quite terrifying. None of the clinics seem to be hiring techs with less than 1 year experience and I only have a little over 6 months. Forget about being hired by another emergency place, I'll be lucky if a day practice is willing to take me.

And what do I do once this final paycheck runs out in a couple weeks? I have NOTHING saved up, my credit card is maxed out, I've been declined for other credit cards that I've applied for. What the hell am I supposed to do? I had so many plans for my career and all these big dreams and then BOOM! they're gone. What the fuck am I supposed to do?! HUH?!

...

The White Wolf always wins.

We say it all the time in such a casual, joking manner. It's the reason why we choose emergency medicine over a general clinic, nights over days, trauma over prevention. It's what we thrive on and thirst for, only ever getting our fill of adrenaline on the days when we're too busy to eat or sit or pause in our thoughts. We're always hoping for an emergency to burst through the doors to occupy our time with. A distraction from the dull humming of electricity and the drooning of the radio. We need something messy and bloody and consuming. So we sit and wait and wish out loud for a number of unimaginable scenarios. And it's okay to wish for these horrible things because that's just the way it is and that's the way we like it. We converse about death and dying with smiles and laughs because it's so much easier that way.

And then it happens.

We're not smiling anymore. Laughter is replaced with hurried footsteps, heavy sobs, and intense focus. We move swiftly and with purpose, completely in our element. We see past the skin and blood, straight through to the problem. The problem becomes our purpose. For the briefest of moments, we have unrivaled power over life and death, actions capable of influencing the very course of nature. With purpose, we are complete.

It's only when the moment has passed and we open our eyes to the world outside of our purpose that we see the true horror. We are okay with blood, but not tears. Okay with giving bad news, but not comfort. We become acutely aware of the reality that is trauma and emergency. In the aftermath, we stumbled. We have no place among the mourning or the suffering. We wander and look away, knowing that we don't belong here, now, in this moment. It is now that we wonder...

Did we bring this tragedy upon the innocent in our selfish desire for satisfaction? We forget that there are bonds beyond our brief connection and that our actions impact so much more than the here and now and we and us. And the silence that was pushed away by the moment comes to settle heavily in our hearts.

Such a painfully slow night at work. Usually I wouldn't mind it so much but I'm stuck with Al for 5 FRICKIN HOURS!!! Doesn't help that I'm also stuck with Dr. Ja for the night. They both seriously dislike me. It's torture. They don't even talk to me at all! I still have another 2 hours on my shift. *groans* I would just leave now since we're so slow but I'm taking Friday off and need all the hours I can get this week. I keep praying for some big trauma to come in but the phone's not even ringing.

So I've finally admitted that I have some issues. ...... How to say it....? I'm sickeningly in love with fictional characters. It's not a crush or an interest in them, it's more like an obsessive, insane sort of desire. I've always had an issue with being consumed by fictional characters in movies, books, and video games but it's crushing really bad right now. On whom, you ask?

Wolverine.

That's right, Wolverine from the X-Men movies played by Hugh Jackman. Wolverine as in "the badass guy with the claws who's animalistically savage" Wolverine, or as in "the beast of a man who has so many emotional issues that he should be locked up" Wolverine, or "the so god damn fucking hot that I practically jacked off in the theater" Wolverine. *slams head on desk* Yep, that Wolverine.

There has to be some sort of mental condition for this. This isn't just a "wow, he was awesome in that movie" kind of thing. This is a "I lay awake at night dreaming of him ravaging me over and over" kind of thing. Not Hugh Jackman, but the character Wolverine. Since I saw the new X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie I have searched the internet for any and all pictures of Wolverine and now have a huge folder on my desktop stocked full of his sexy-ness. It's so bad that I actually cried because I was so stricken with the fact that Wolverine doesn't exist and Hugh Jackman is untouchable. It seriously physically aches in my chest when I think about him. It's like some sick addiction. I had to see the movie a second time at 9 o'clock at night because I wanted so so so soooo badly to see his face and hear his voice. And speaking of voices, his brother Sabertooth is also driving me nuts. Not so much as Wolverine but his voice and fangs make me shiver and drool.

I've had similar issues like this in the past, such as the new Batman movies with Christian Bale or Iron Man's Tony Stark. I managed to get over them though because I was just too damn busy to even think about it. But it's not just live action people. You wanna know what's really sick? I had this same damn problem with Simba from The Lion King. Yes, a fucking lion! The way his mane flowed and the muscles moved under his skin and his intense eyes... Shit! What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!

It's crazy too because I know that what I'm feeling is totally wrong and insane but I just can't convince myself to get over it. I could just stop looking at picture of him on the internet and not plan to see his movie for a third time this week, but I NEED to see him, I NEED to hear his voice. I want to take in every word and every movement because it's all just so damn beautiful. Usually I wouldn't be too bothered with this infatuation. I would entertain it for a while and eventually move on several weeks or months down the road. I'd enjoy it while it lasted and not regret it later. But there's another factor that's making this totally unacceptable.

I have a date next Tuesday! A first date with this awesome guy that I just met and I think we could really work out and have fun but I keep comparing him to Wolverine!!!! *rips hair* Damn it, Wolverine isn't real and there's no one else with his body or adamantium claws or angsty eyes so I should just get my head out of the clouds and back into the real world!!!

But I can't.

I've tried.

Several times.

No luck.

It's gotten to the point where I'm practically grief stricken and nearly suicidal from the overwhelming pain that I feel from the fact that I can't ever be with him. I need some serious psychiatric help but don't know what to do. It's not like I can walk into a hospital and go "I want to kill myself over a fictional comic book character from a movie." That's not being clinically insane that's just being off your rocker insane. I thought about telling my mom but I already know how that will turn out. She'll give me that same look and use that same tone of voice that she used when I told her I was in love with a woman. She'll say that I'm being ridiculous and exaggerating and that I'd better get my act cleaned up because there's a real guy out there that wants to date me and she doesn't have the patience to deal with my depression and she has enough stress going on without me threatening to commit suicide over some fake guy. She'll only believe me after I slit my wrists and even then she'll just be pissed that I'm making her life so damn difficult.

That's me alright, the pain in my mom's ass. I sense a storm approaching between her and I. There's been so much tension between us lately that sooner or later something's gonna give and we'll end up in a physical brawl involving derogatory name calling and hard hist fitting. I'll end up kicking another hole in the wall and she'll end up slapping me and comparing me to my brother. Then when I try to get out of the house and drive somewhere she'll take my keys because she thinks I'll drive off the road in an attempt to kill myself.

I'm not making this up, folks.

Fuck. Still another hour to my shift. Fuck it, I'm leaving now. I know Al and Dr. Ja are just waiting for me to leave so they can belittle me and share conversation on how much they think I suck. Seriously, I'm not making this up or being paranoid. I have witnesses who have actually heard them do it before. It's a sad world for me.

1. The practice is busiest on the days when it's short-staffed.

2. Animal Magnetism: If a laceration or rat poison ingestion comes in early in the day, the entire day will be filled with lacerations or rat poison ingestions.

3. If a person is banging on the front door at 3 in the morning, it's never a good thing.

4. Critical patients always arrive an hour before your shift ends.

5. Critical patients always arrive right when you're about to eat lunch.

6. When an owner says their pet doesn't bite, have a muzzle ready.

7. The lab equipment always breaks when you need it the most.

8. Pets only urinate, defecate, or vomit on you when you're wearing your best scrubs or don't have a spare set available.

9. 40% of each shift is devoted to treating patients; the other 60% is devoted to cleaning up after you've treated them.

10. Other veterinarians only refer clients to you 5 minutes before the close and become unreachable for the rest of the weekend.

I got my schedule for my first quarter at Bel-Rea. Mondays I have Perspectives, Med Terms, Chem, then Tech Writing. Tuesdays are Chem, Perspectives, and Tech Writing. Wednesdays include Chem and Med Terms. Thursday I have Med Terms, Chem, and Tech Writing. Last but not least, Fridays consist of Chem and Med Terms. That schedule doesn't include any Math classes, since I won't know my math schedule until I take the placement test on orientation day. I'm gonna be doing a lot of studying if I have Chem everyday. I wasn't great at Chem. Don't get me wrong, I got an A in all my Chem classes, but it really just went in one ear and out the other as soon as I no longer needed to remember the info. So that'll be my schedule (give or take math classes) for 10 weeks. Then I'll have 3 days of finals. I hear Med Terms is a bitch of a classes. A few thousand medical terms to memorize, along with acronyms. Good thing I bought my japanese flashcards.

I'm so psyched tho. I just can't wait. Granted, I won't have any free time except for weekends, which I'll probably be using to study, but I get to immerse myself completely into this awesome thing that I really really want to do. I WANT my days to be consumed by studying, I WANT classes that challenge me, I WANT it to be January 2nd already. I could be one of those cute school girls that sit at Starbucks with their laptop and papers scattered all over their table. I really want my required list of textbooks and reading materials. It won't be sent out til mid-December. Which means I need to start saving some money.

I've been promoted to Lead Animal Care Tech at work, with a slight pay increase. I'm more excited than I seem, I'm just so tired and stressed right now. Thankfully, I haven't had any problems with the ACT team thus far, though it's only been about 3 days since it was announced (and by that I mean my boss just wrote it on the board so I doubt everyone has seen it). Future plans of mine include educating the team about Winter and the upcoming holiday season. Only myself and 2 other ACT's have worked the holiday before.

With only one more day on my second round of antibiotics, my ear infection shows no signs of clearing up. I have a re-check scheduled on the 8th, though I'm not sure I'll wait that long to go back in. I've had it for about 3 weeks straight now. It's just awful.

Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me they will never see, the fear within our eyes
(my eyes are closed)
We will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

(I've waited all day in the pouring rain, but nobody came, no, nobody came)

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith is come
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

Hold your head up high-for there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
(you defend)
And promise me, they will never see the tears within our eyes
(my eyes are closed)
Although we are men, with mortal sins, angels never cry

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in God
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
I will be your light
A lifetime for this destiny
For I am Winter born
And in this moment..I will not run
It is my place to stand
We few shall carry hope
Within our bloodied hands
(bloodied hands)
And in our Dying, we're more alive-than we have ever been
I've lived for these few seconds
For I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

Within this moment now
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born
And in my dying
I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am Winter born

I gots my puppy!!! She is the sweetest thing in the world! She's my Willow baby and I love her so much!!

The sad thing is that I've been working my ass off and only get to see her like 4 hours a day. *tear* Plus I'm overworked and underpaid. Yay! I'm not appreciated at my job!! Or anywhere else for that matter!! Woo Hoo!! *runs around with her arms in the air*

I graduated with A's and B's! Up yours, world! Even when I'm on my death bed I still work harder than all of you!

And that was my first moment of self-recognition in a while. I have no self-esteem except for moments like that.

I could cry right now. I'm in so much pain and misery and I wanna play with my pup but all she does is sink her little puppy fangs into my skin and I'd rather not be put through anymore pain today. At least, no more physical pain. Bring on the emotional turmoil!!

My heart's been doing that weird thing again. Nearly three times today only. I should get that checked before it causes my death. Maybe later, when we have health insurance. It's just a small annoyance now, nothing to worry about. Prolly just stress.

Today was my last day of high school ever!!!!! Boo ya!!! I didn't go tho. I only had band classes so why bother?

It's a good thing I didn't go cuz I wouldn't have lasted long there. I woke up, got on my computer, and after about two hours my eyes were in horrible pain. I had slept in my contacts, which I do pretty much every night (bad Sara, bad!) and I figured that they were just irritating my eyes. So I took them out, and the pain just got worse. I scheduled a doctor appointment for three hours later but, after thrashing about on my bed being unable to open my eyes, my mom and I decided it woul dbe best to take me to the emergency room.

A combination of sleeping in my contacts and wearing the same pair of contacts for over a month and then removing them this morning caused scratches and abrasions to each of my corneas. Fantastic, isn't it. So they said I had to take these eye drops every 2 hours, I should go home and keep my eyes closed, and I wasn't allowed to wear contacts for three days.

Well I have work in two days and sight is required to do my job properly. I have a couple pairs of prescription glasses but they're OLD and the prescription isn't updated and their bent out of shape. So we went to LensCrafters and I found THE cutest pair of glasses EVER. My last pairs had been bronze and a red strawberry color. We were all surprised when I looked amazing in black frames. And they're Transition Lenses so I didn't have to buy a seperate pair of sunglasses! Course, now I'm in debt-ish.

While we were at the mall getting me glasses, I went to the pet store. There was this AMAZINGLY ADORABLE little brown and black puppy. I couldn't distinguish the breed so I asked the lady. She brought the puppy out to me. It's a female Lhasa Apso, aged 2 months.

I don't know how on earth I'm gonna do it, and all the odds are against me, but I swear to good I'm gonna get that puppy.

Btw, anyone wanna donate to my puppy fund?

if it's important to you, it's important to me. If it's important to me, who gives a fuck? Why waste your time with people you don't know just because it's important to me or because it would mean a lot if you were there. Forget it. I don't want you coming anyway. Andrew can go with Mindy and you can be selfish. Why'd you ask so many follow up questions if there was no way in hell that you would go? And more importantly, why the fuck didn't you say so the first time I brought it up.

Why the fuck don't you talk to me about anything?! I'm part of this relationship, I'm the one you love, it's been nearly one year and nine months and you still keep secrets from me like it's no big deal!!!!!

I'm so frustrated. I don't really know why though. Can't put my finger on one specific thing or cause of it. I just feel... cheated. I can't describe it. Like people everywhere are using me and screwing with me and lying to me and not treating me properly. From my boss to my coworkers to my teachers to my boyfriend, I feel cheated.

I thoroughly dislike this feeling.

Maybe things would be better if I weren't sick. Hehe. I'm sure things would always be better if I weren't sick. Why do I feel like a failure in everything I ever do? Nothing's ever good enough. *suddenly screams and bangs head against wall* Jesus Fuck!! I can't stand this!!! Not one single god damn thing in my life is going right!!!! Some things are going semi-okay, but not right. My whole world is out of balance and I'm slipping off the edge.

I could cry if I wasn't so weak and tired.

	Sara Pills: Will cause increased ability to do the moonwalk
	'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com

<td align="center">You hate smug people!



Smugness is your biggest pet peeve. What with all their thinking they’re so good. They are so self-absorbed, they won’t acknowledge anyone but themselves. Arg.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>



<td align="center" style="background: #FFFFFF; color: #000000;">Sara's Reason for Travelling Back in Time:

To be a protégé of the Marquis De Sade


Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

I'm so tired of school, and I haven't even gone in about a month. All I have to do is pass English, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. It's hard to think that I used to be a straight A girl whose only worry was "will I get an A in English?" Now my main concern is "will I pass English?" I used to come straight home and work on my homework for how many hours it took to finish it. Now, I have no motivation and I can only concentrate for five minutes at best. *sigh* I wish I was healthy again.

Work is getting really really really difficult for me. I hope it'll get better once I get over this virus. I can't keep going on like this. it's ruining my life.


Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I'm so tired of school, and I haven't even gone in about a month. All I have to do is pass English, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. It's hard to think that I used to be a straight A girl whose only worry was "will I get an A in English?" Now my main concern is "will I pass English?" I used to come straight home and work on my homework for how many hours it took to finish it. Now, I have no motivation and I can only concentrate for five minutes at best. *sigh* I wish I was healthy again.

Work is getting really really really difficult for me. I hope it'll get better once I get over this virus. I can't keep going on like this. it's ruining my life.


Never win first place, I don't support the team
I can't take direction, and my socks are never
clean
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin'
right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can't take the person starin' back at me
I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
All you have to change is everything you are."
Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears
She's so pretty, that just ain't me

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe
somethin
A day in the life of someone else?
Don't let me get me

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

I'm super bored so I'm just checking in on my journal and posting a boring entry.

I had work today. It went fairly okay, I guess. One of K's dogs, her Great Dane, got out on me. It's not fun wrestling something in a small cage that's bigger than you with giant teeth. I think Cm is annoyed with me cuz I scheduled another grooming appointment for tomorrow. I don't see the problem. It's only six or seven. *shrug* She should thank me. She's money hungry and I'm bringing in some money.

We have two ferrets at work. They're really cute. To be honest, I'm a little scared of ferrets. They seem like the kind of animal that would enjoy biting people. I dunno. Maybe it's just me.

So the two cute pugs came unexpectedly today. I walked into the lobby to see Cookie on a leash. At first I wasn't sure if it was Cookie or not cuz all pugs pretty much look alike. Then the owner walks in with this big crate that has "Live Animal" stickers everywhere and it's shaking and stuff. It was funny. Like something from a movie. He hands the crate to Cm and I'm thinking, wtf is in that crate? It was the second and smaller dog, Candy. I almost laughed out loud. It's small for a pug and pugs themselves are small and it's thrashing around in the crate like a Mastiff or an Alligator or something. Then I understood why. She's in heat.

Dogs are funny when they're in heat. Actually, cats are funnier. I've never seen an animal in heat since I started working at BF and so far I've seen 1 cat and 3ish dogs in heat. Quite interesting. Animals in heat are hard to handle tho. Annoyingly hard.

But yeah, I love my job. I'm still aiming for the Customer Service department and eventually the Reservationist position. I do pretty much everything a CSR does except I'm not certified and I don't get the name tag. But I love it. I think I would be fine if I moved up, became manager, and worked there the rest of my life. Though I'd probably soon hate it with a passion, like Cf. Lol. I guess you can only work so many decades in the animal care department.

Like leaves on the wind, my body trembles in a show of weakness. The bile rises in my throat as I threaten to vomit up every ill feeling that I now suffer through. My body shakes even worse as my stomach churns more fiercely than before. I take a deep breath and release ten thousand tears. If these tears were blood I would surely be dead before the next breath.

What happened to all those nights when we only needed each other? A hug was enough to send us to heaven in ecstasy. Those nights when we whispered our undying love with no hesitation. Where those days just dreams? I remember your warm breath on my skin and the softness of your hands. I never thought those days would end. And now I want to grab your hand and lead you back. Back to the nights when we looked up to the stars in awe of their beauty. Let's go back to those hours we spent in each other's arms. I felt safe and secure then, like nothing would ever bring me down again. Can we go back to those days? Pretty please? They were so much better than today. Now our hope for tomorrow is gone and yesterday seems like a dream. Do you remember it being real? Like a fairy tale with a happy ending. Except it was only the beginning. I never thought it would end like this.

Let's turn the clock back to an hour before midnight, when I was a beautiful princess and you were the handsome prince, and we danced in a way that made others jealous. We had a love that the world envied. At least, I think we did. Winter has fogged my thoughts and I can no longer separate my dreams from days long past. I'd like to think that it was all real once, and not just a sleeping fantasy.

My heart is old and withered, like an old maid with a crinkled yet kind face. I can picture her crawling into bed for the last time with a smile and falling into a dream world of lost loves and dances in the spring. Another deep breath unleashes another wave of tears and stings to the heart strings. This heaviness in my chest gives a solemn warning of an inevitable collapse. Hopes woven into duct tape and old love songs turned into rusty nails hold it unsteadily together. The day it falls apart is the day I stop believing in love. But even then the remains will remind me of a better time and feeling.

I hold onto these ghosts and demons with a fierce resolve. I have lost my future but I will not lose my past. I hold onto the memories and the spirit of a love so powerful it could conquer the world. That love may have lost its chance but I will not lose it. Perhaps one day both my heart and my love wil be revived and I will live again. Until then, I am a faint scent of desire riding on the wind, traveling to distant shores, never finding a moment of peace or solace. I beg you to catch me and realize that I am a familiar scent, tho one not long experienced. Revive me in your memory and seek out my source. I will be waiting.

Blind by Lifehouse

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

---

Paper Thin Hymn by Anberlin from the album Never Take Friendship Personal

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight
These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating
Leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?
Who's going to call on Sunday morning?
Who's going to drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes
Bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

August evenings bring solemn warnings
To rememeber to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
So laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in dischord, "Praise ye the lord"
Who's going to call on Sunday morning?
Who's going to drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands

I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes
Bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends

These lyrics are from a dvd I got the other day. It's a magical romance called Ultra Maniac. The first set of lyrics is the ending song that I took from the subtitles on the dvd. The second set is the same song but was translated by a fan.

I had a dream of you
I saw your lonely-looking tears
before I knew it, I was changed into you
To cry the same tears
I find myself wanting you, but afraid you don't love me
Afraid of how it will end
As you do to me, I do to you
And I start taking everything from you
I find myself wanting you, but afraid you don't love me
I want to believe in our future
As you do to me, I do to you
On the night we started to protect each other secretly

*************

I was dreaming of you
I saw your lonely tears
Then, before I knew it, I had became you
Now I am shedding those very same tears

I realize that I want to love you
I tremble, for I cannot love you —
I fear what it may come to in the end
You and me, me and you —
We’re starting to think only of one another

I realize that I want to love you
I tremble, for I cannot love you —
I want to be sure of our future
You and me, me and you —
That night we began secretly watching over one another

You and Me (Extended Wedding Version)
Lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Tomorrow by Avril

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
But I don't

When you say that it's gonna be,
It always turns out to be a different way,
I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

[Chorus:]
I don't know how I feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just don't
Give me a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

[Chorus:]

I don't know how I feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

Hey yeah yeah
Hey yeah yeah
And I know I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah
Hey yeah yeah
Maybe tomorrow

Hey yeah yeah
Hey yeah yeah yeah yeah
I'm not ready,
Hey yeah yeah
Hey yeah yeah
Maybe tomorrow

And I wanna believe you,
When you tell me that it'll be ok,
Ya I try to believe you,
Not today, today, today, today, today...

Tomorrow it may change [4x]